On the Brink of Divorce and Need Help? by Ashlyn LaVine, MFTC

The “Mixed-Agenda Couple” 

Up to 30% of all couples entering therapy are considered “Mixed-Agenda couples”.  This is defined as one partner leaning out of the relationship, reluctant to see a couples therapist and the other partner leaning into the relationship, committed to saving the marriage, and eager to start couples counseling.

As the leaning-in partner, you may feel dissatisfaction or distance in your relationship, but you are committed to making things work. However, your partner has put “divorce on the table” and now you are facing the loss of everything you hold dear.  You may be desperately trying to change your partner’s mind and hold onto any glimmer of hope for reconciliation. 

As the leaning-out partner, you may be deeply unsatisfied with your partner and cannot see a way to salvage the relationship. Maybe you have been seriously contemplating divorce for some time, but you are not certain that divorce is the right step and are aware of the many complexities that could follow. 

Whether you are leaning out or leaning in, Discernment Counseling is a unique type of couples counseling that is specifically tailored to help address the confusion and uncertainty that many mixed-agenda couples experience. 

What is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment Counseling focuses on helping Mixed-adgenda couples explore three paths that they face as they consider their options toward reconciliation or divorce. 

• Path one is to simply do nothing at all; maintain the status quo and continue with the relationship as is. 

• Path two is the decision to initiate separation or divorce. 

• Path three is to commit to participating in couples therapy, within a specified time frame, with a clear agenda improving the relationship. 

Discernment Counseling helps to calm the waters and give each partner a voice about their distress and their hope. The goal is for each partner to gain clarity and confidence about the future of the relationship. The therapist assists each partner to gain a deeper understanding of what has happened in the relationship and the contributing factors to bring them to this time and space. 

How Does Discernment Counseling help?

After participating in Discernment Counseling, most couples report feeling an increased confidence and are more settled about their decision to either fully commit to couples counseling to improve the health and satisfaction of their relationship or to move forward with divorce. 

The research indicates that about half of the couples that participate in Discernment Counseling choose the path of reconciliation through couples therapy and roughly, the other half of the couples proceed with divorce after having more carefully considered their options. The work accomplished in Discernment Counseling often helps divorcing couples move through the difficult process with a greater ability to tolerate the distress and experience less hostility.  

Is Discernment Counseling right for you and your partner?

It is important to know that Discernment Counseling is not couples therapy. The sole purpose of Discernment Counseling is to help each partner gain clarity and confidence about their decision to work on the relationship or end the relationship. 

Discernment Counseling is a short-term process made up of 1-5 sessions. During these sessions, the therapist will split the time and meet with each partner individually.  The individual time is focused on gaining clarity about each partner’s own contribution to the distress of the marriage and identifying personal agendas for change. The therapist seeks to help each partner learn to show up as the “best version of themselves”, whether or not the relationship continues. At the end of each Discernment session, a decision is made to either meet again or complete the counseling process. 

Your Personal Invitation from Ashlyn

Whether you are leaning in or leaning out, you likely have intense feelings such as fear, grief, sadness or anger about what has happened in the relationship and about the uncertainty you face. You may be asking yourself, “How did we end up here?” or “What are my next steps forward?”

Let me come alongside you during this difficult, painful and confusing time. Through the work of Discernment Counseling, I will help you gain clarity and confidence in your decision about the best path forward for you and your partner. 

Connect with Ashlyn directly by phone or email here

Or contact our Care Coordinator for more information

A Few Disclaimers for Clarity

* Discernment Counseling is for couples who once made a lifetime commitment, whether legally married or not. Discernment Counseling is not for couples considering whether to commit to each other in the first place. 

* Discernment Counseling is not Divorce Adjustment Counseling or Mediation (legal or otherwise)

*Discernment Counseling is not for couples who may be experiencing partner violence or severe safety concerns.