6 Practical Tips for Handling Heated Conflict and Reconnecting with Your Partner by Ashlyn LaVine
/Couples counseling will help you and your partner learn new skills to turn relational avoidance into loving reconnection. You will become more effective at recovering from an argument and resolve the disagreements that take a toll on your mind, body and spirit.
The Impact of Conflict on Our Minds and Bodies
As humans, we’re wired to be highly sensitive to any potential threat to our well-being. When engaged in a heated argument with a spouse or partner, it’s common to feel emotionally overwhelmed, triggering our brain’s ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response. This heightened state can blur our ability to think clearly. Suddenly, our emotions like anger or hurt can take over, leading us to say and do things we later regret.
When our brain enters this ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ mode, our executive functioning skills essentially shut down. This means we lose access to abilities like creative thinking, empathy, perspective-taking and rationality. Ultimately, this not only damages our relationship with our partner but also impacts our own well-being.
Taking a break during a tense argument can work wonders for your relationship and your own well-being.
Taking a moment to step back allows both your mind and your body to calm down, moving out of the ‘fight, flight or freeze’ mode. This break helps your cognitive skills, like memory and empathy, get back on track.
Once you are feeling more calm and thinking clearly again, you’ll find yourself better equipped to understand the situation from a fresh perspective.
Steps to Taking an Effective Break
#1 Mutually agree upon how to take a break prior to a conflict
Have a discussion when both of you are feeling calm to establish guidelines for taking a break during arguments and discuss each other’s needs. Some couples find it helpful to agree on a cue word that indicates when one or both partners is needing a break.
Leaving without expressing your needs or intentions can make your partner feel abandoned, worsening their frustration and hurt. In the next conflict, rely on clear verbal communication and 'I' statements to signal the need for a break as agreed upon. 'I' statements help your partner grasp your perspective and respect your need for space. If your partner asks for a break, recall the mutual agreement and honor their request by giving them the space they need.
#2 Allow your bodies to serve as your guide
It is important to not jump ship too quickly. Healthy conflict requires that we stay engaged even when our partner is saying things that we might not agree with. However, some signs that you are becoming too overwhelmed and entering fight, flight or freeze might include blurred vision, increased heart rate, sweaty palms or numbness throughout your body.
Be mindful of both your own body signals and your partner's subtle cues to recognize when it's time to take a break, ideally before either of you enters into a state of heightened stress response.
#3 Take at least 20 minutes, but no more than 24 hours
It takes at least 20 minutes for your body to metabolize stress hormones, re-regulate itself and return back to a state of calm. If the break extends beyond 24 hours, it might result in avoiding the underlying issue or leave either you or your partner feeling neglected.
Commit to re-establishing connection with yourself and your partner sooner rather than later, while still prioritizing a return to calmness before reconnection. This commitment ensures that the break serves as a tool for accountability, preventing it from becoming an excuse that promotes resentment and leaves conflicts unresolved.
#5 Engage in a self-soothing activity
Initiating a break doesn't automatically dissolve feelings of anger or hurt. Rather than dwelling on negative thoughts about your partner or the situation, empower yourself by actively managing your emotions and physical state through engaging in calming activities. This could be exercising, indulging in a relaxing bath, going for a walk outside, tidying up your environment, enjoying music, or eating a snack – anything that diverts your attention from the argument and promotes a sense of calmness.
As your body starts to relax, pay attention to whether your perspective also becomes more flexible.
#6 Return and Repair
Focus less on who takes the first step to reconnect. Upon returning, emphasize addressing the main topic rather than dwelling on lingering tension or emotional intensity. The return marks a fresh opportunity to realign your shared relationship goals and view the situation from a broader perspective.
By letting the intense emotions settle and reactivating your executive functioning skills, you are better able to offer and receive care and understanding from your partner, working to get back on track together.
