What Is Invalidation? by Laura Grotenhuis, LPC
/While many of the details immediately following my husband’s death are a blur, I can recount some conversations with shocking clarity. Namely, the invalidating statements made by the most unlikely sources. Why? Because the person failed to understand the power of his/her words. From dismissing someone’s feelings to emotional abuse, people either knowingly or unknowingly invalidate one another every day.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue; those who love it will eat its fruit. (Proverbs 18:21)”
In order to avoid this mistake, a deeper understanding is needed. Simply put, validation is the recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. While it sounds simple, it is not as clear cut as you may think. In order to bring this definition to life, let’s look at typical conversation.
Example of responding with invalidation or validation:
Kristy: How are you doing?
Jen: Not so well. I have been really overwhelmed lately. The kids have been getting on each other’s nerves and fighting a lot, plus my husband and I are stressed about money since he has been laid off.
Kristy (invalidating response): At least he can sign up for unemployment, you need to look on the bright side of things and then you won’t be so stressed.
Kristy (validating response): That sounds so hard. It really makes sense that you feel overwhelmed with those problems. So much of it is outside of your control.
While the first response is extremely typical, it has a subtle message; you shouldn’t feel that way. Kristy may not be trying to discount Jen’s feelings, but unfortunately that is what is happening. On the other hand, as you look at the validating example, you may be thinking how dangerous it is to agree with someone that feels overwhelmed. Won’t it make them feel worse? The truth is, in the validating example, Kristy is not contributing to Jen’s feelings of being overwhelmed, she is simply letting her know that those feelings make sense. Often it is a relief for someone like Jen to know that she is interpreting her situation correctly. In the end, she feels heard and sane.
Obstacles and Solutions to Validation
As you can see from this example, it is extremely easy to respond in an invalidating manner. I would dare say that it is our normal response. When emotions are heightened it becomes even more difficult to respond in a helpful way. While there are many hindrances to our ability to validate each other, here are some common ones.
When We Try to Fix
A lot of us like to help people, myself included. A person comes to us with a problem and we help them come up with a solution. How rewarding! Unfortunately, we most often invalidate people when we are trying to fix a situation for them rather than just listening. Many problems do not have a clear-cut solution. In fact, to suggest a simple solution to a complex problem can feel demeaning. Here’s an example that might occur between a parent and child:
Mom waking up a child for school:
Son: I don’t feel so good.
Mom: What is wrong?
Son: My stomach hurts. I have to give that speech today and I always feel like I am going to throw up when I give speeches.
Mom (fixing response): What you need to do is try not to think about it. You worked really hard on your assignment. Pretend that you are just standing in your bedroom practicing your speech and you will be fine.
On the surface that doesn’t look like a terrible interaction. After all, this mother is trying to create more positive feelings in her son and get him off to school. However, the response sends the indirect message that to feel nervous is not ok and that you could easily change your feelings if you just thought differently. While our thoughts do contribute to our feelings, it is not that simple. Even our negative feelings are important and worth hearing. The child may be nervous because speeches have not gone well in the past. Although there might not be time before school to talk about it, there is a real opportunity to connect with the child later to find out more.
Mom (validating response): It is totally understandable that you would feel nervous about giving a speech. Most people feel that way about speaking in public. I am sorry that you are feeling sick today because of this assignment.
As you may be able to see, when we try to fix a problem, we ignore the deeper message of the heart, leaving the person feeling as though no one understands me. Feeling misunderstood is often worse than being anxious. In the second response the child feels listened to and his mom was able to normalize his uncomfortable feelings, which in the long run is much more helpful.
When We Feel Hurt
Another situation where it is really hard to remain objective is when we feel to blame for the difficult emotions expressed by others. This is especially true in marriage. There are many times that husbands and wives need to talk about how they feel and are not trying to blame each other, but simply trying to communicate. Here is an example of how easy it is to become defensive and miss an opportunity to help each other.
Jen: I am worried about the bills that are coming up at the end of the month, I don’t know how we are going to pay them all since you got laid off.
Mark (defensive response): It’s not like I want to be out of work. I am tired of always being criticized. I am doing the best that I can and don’t know what else you want from me.
Mark (validating response): It makes sense that you would be worried, money is really tight right now. Let’s try to figure out what we definitely need to pay and what things can wait.
In this example it is easy to see how in the defensive response nothing really is solved. The wife feels misunderstood and the husband feels attacked. In addition, there is a huge roadblock to bringing up this problem in the future because it did not get solved the first time. Once a person is triggered it is extremely difficult to have a calm and rational conversation. I will say more about this concept of ‘triggering’ later.
When Strong Emotions Present
A lot of us have a hard time being around a person who is feeling extremely sad or depressed. We often feel as though it is our job to make them feel better. However, often the best thing we can do for someone experiencing negative emotions is to listen and give them permission to share more.
Angela: I don’t know how I am going to make it since my dad passed away. He was my rock. I honestly don’t think that I am going to be able to handle life without his guidance.
Kay (invalidating response): I know that it is going to be hard, but you can do this. Remember that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I am just grateful that he is no longer suffering.
If we are honest, we have all responded like Kay’s first example. We have no idea what to say or how to navigate these really deep emotions, so we try to make the other person feel better as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, Kay’s invalidating response really shuts down the conversation and says to Angela; I can’t handle your grief.
Kay (validating response): It sounds like your dad was such an important person to you. I would love to hear more about him, he sounds like an amazing person.
The validating response sends this message; I am here for you and am willing to listen to your tough feelings. Angela is able to feel cared for and be able to process her tough emotions. This type of conversation is rare, but so beneficial.
The important thing to take away from this post is that validation is not only a critical communication tool, but it expresses love and acceptance to the people we love. Something we all desperately need. If you are a parent, it is crucial to the healthy psychological development of our children. (For more information you can read The Power of Validation by Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D., and Melissa H. Cook, LPC.)
Why Can’t I Validate?
You may be asking yourself this very question as you read the scenarios and see yourself in the responses. I have to confess that as I re-read my own words I felt convicted about my own lack of validation in everyday situations. So, what is happening?
One issue is not having enough margin in our lives. When we are stressed out and burning the candle at both ends, it is hard to see the emotional needs of others and even harder to respond to those needs in a caring and compassionate way.
If we never experienced validation in our homes, it is hard to begin a new skill on our own. Creating new communication patterns requires a concerted effort and active listening.
Last, I believe that relationships inevitably trigger unresolved experiences in our lives. Once we are triggered, it is almost impossible to respond from our best self. This is best illustrated in the example between the couple. Mark’s response was so large because an inadequate place in him was wounded and he came back to the conversation with both fists up.
We Can Change
It is possible for us to do better than the generations before us, but it does require slowing down, courageously learn new ways of communicating and even examining the wounds that we have experienced in our lives. When we run away from or deny our own difficult feelings, we will never be able to acknowledge those feelings in others. in order to truly heal from the past, we need the help of trained people.
If you are ready for change, please call or email at Hope for the Journey Counseling. We would be honored to walk along side you and assist you in the growing process. Or visit our staff page to see who might be the best fit for you. It is our sincere desire to help you in the process of becoming the person you have always wanted to be.
Click here for more information on Trauma Therapy
